So, last week? mentioned that he thought I should go back to school for art.

Of course, as soon as I mentioned this to in that "Should I? Shouldn't I?" type manner, he IMMEDIATELY pipes up that he thinks I should, too.

....

So it set me thinking.

I went through a lot of "phases" of what I wanted to be in school. Some pure fantasy -- I may have the mental capacity to be a fighter pilot, but reality check is that I don't have the physical capacity to make it. Some a little more reachable -- I entertained great thoughts of being a marine biologist so that I could work with dolphins and whales until I found out how much schooling I'd have to endure.

I wanted to be a mother.

A housewife.

A scientist.

A computer tech (have a diploma for that one -- 5'4", tiny little girls did not fit the mold of "tech" when I tried for that).

A vet.

Nothing sat right, though, and so I settled for a paycheck.

I've grown too independent to be a housewife, though it might be fun for a month or two.

I'm not sure I'm capable of being a mother -- not in the biological sense, but the mental one. I fear being my mother too much. And don't take that the wrong way, I do love my mother dearly. There are just things about her that I wish were different.

She was always TOO practical. My interest in art was squashed by "You need to have a reliable source of income". When I wanted to take art lessons over the summer as a child, she delayed it until I was in school again and wouldn't have time.

My music -- my violin -- would never make me money. I didn't have the dedication for it.

My writing...well, if I could FINISH something that wasn't fanfic...

But my art...

I used to look through D&D handbooks and stare at Elmore's work, wishing I had that kind of skill.

It's not going to be easy, and I may never get there, but I'm certainly not giving up yet. I'm in no financial state that would allow me to go back to school, but if I can just keep pushing, I might just make it.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

<3

~Jo